I am at a point of depression as I think again and again of how it happened. Am still asking myself what i really did wrong. I have reviewed everything i said and did but found no faults. If by any chance there is,i think i apologised. The whole experience is still fresh in my mind. I apologised,pleaded for his forgiveness,pleaded for mercy but i guess he had made his ears numb to my voice.
It all began when he asked me a single question: “Hey,have you ever gained pregnancy,aborted or had a baby?” Needless to say i was shocked. I replayed the quetion again and again in my mind. Was i dreaming? I pinched myself,slapped myself severally but no,this was no dream. Is he really the one who asked that? Is he okay? I wondered silently. He knew my personal life more than anyone. Maybe he was joking,i thought. I managed to gain courage and ask,”why do you ask?”
“I just want to know and please tell the truth,”was all he answered with a serious expression. Is he playing a prank on me? I thought. Maybe he was trying to scare me. Without thinking clearly,i also decided to play the game. I came up with a good perfect lie with an aim of scaring him. Please mark my words,i wanted to scare him. Little did i know that i was in for a huge disappointment.
Something else i forgot to mention,we had not been communicating for a week. I guess we all had pride and none of us was ready to lower their walls of pride just yet. I wanted to be seen as independent but i guess i was wrong. He wanted to be boss in our relationship pretty badly. I was too proud to realise that. I guess regrets just have a tendency of coming later when the big part has already happened.
Back to the present. I answered back with too much confidence that i still ask myself whether it was me. Maybe something else had taken control of me.
“Yes,i have a baby boy,three years old now,living with my mum. Do you want to know the details?”
Imagine this is what I,Shantel said. Anyone who knows me well enough will confidently tell you that that wasnt me.
“Call me if you really wanna know,”I added.
As i entertained myself that night with a romance novel that night,I received a call.
“Hello Shantel,could you please send me your airtel phone number?”
I wasnt using my airtel line at that time. My safaricom and telkom lines were the only ones active. I was about to ignore the request but thought twice about it. I quickly switched the lines and had my airtel line active within minutes then send over the much needed number. I guess curiosity of what he was going to say is what took toll over me and made me rethink on the decision i was making.
I was really enjoying the novel i was engrossed in when i received a call from a strange number. Who would dare call me past midnight?
“Hello,”I called out.
“Hello,do you recognise the voice?”
“Pardon please.” Upon repeat,I realised it was him.
“Yes,how did you know it was me?”
“Heard your voice. What’s up?”
“I called to know the details,just as you asked me to,now talk to me.”
My muscles got tensed. What was i going to say? I was only joking but couldnt retract my statement just yet. My stubborn nature made me not to. I wanted to test him,get to know what he would really do. This was my chance to know whether he really loved me. We girls are always so insecure when it comes to love and boyfriends. That was what was happening to me at that time.
“I cant,”I answered.
“C’mon Shantel,you can. Talk to me.” He pleaded. I played adamant for a while but let us just cut it short,I had to tell him something or else he wasnt going to rest. I told him the fabricated lie i had rehearsed that afternoon. Then came the hardest part.
“Why didnt you tell me?”he asked.
“I never trusted you with this,”I answered.
“Dont you trust me? You always say you do but now,why did you do this?”
I just couldnt find answers to his questions. We ended up arguing,Damiano choosing to put pressure on me and making me feel guilty. He ended the call with no goodnight and i was left in suspense as to whether the relationship had come to an end or was just strained. The days that followed were a big torture for me since he never replied to my apology and when i called to check whether he was okay,he ended up giving the phone to one of his girlfriends to talk to me. Hey,dont get me wrong,i never said lover. It’s just a girl who is a good friend,okay? I had never met the girl,never heard her name so i only ended up with more questions.
Let’s talk about depression. Have you ever found yourself in a state of depression? My guess is you havent. I will yell you what it is like. I began relapsing,basically talking less and thinking more. I skipped meals,ate to keep my body quite strong and prevent diziness. I am that kind of a girl with a weak body. I got weaker and weaker but kept it together. No one noticed because i chose to keep to myself. I slept a lot,literally a lot. I felt safe in my blanket with earphones in my ears and music booming all around me. I shut out the entire world through music. It was my only remedy.
I have a friend who is always quite concerned with me. As we prepared for a Sunday mass she asked me why am allowing myself to be stressed. She knew i was having problems with my boyfriend. So on that Sunday morning,she gave me advice and boosted my moods. I was finer than the rest of the days. I did my staff just like i always did. While chatting with one of Damiano’s friends that day,i got to learn that he had another love affair. I was shocked. I never expected this from him. I was mad at the way he treated me just because he had some other lover. He treated me worse than a beast. Can you imagine making a call to someone for almost ten times without the person picking up? That is what exactly happened to me. I felt hurt. I knew i was the one at fault but I atleast tried to apologise. He said it was okay when i told him i had lied to him but he refused to forgive me. The cold treatment was too harsh. It was so unlike him. He called again that Sunday. I guess his friend must have asked him to do so. The aim of the call was to know why i did it. He still strongly believed that i had a baby despite telling him countless times that it was a lie. Needless to say,the call ended abruptly with him still mad at me.
For me,i knew it was over but i still had to hear it from him. So recently i chatted with his friend. I poured out my fears to him and he was so understanding. He adviced me and i found the courage to text my boyfriend whom i knew i was losing. Here is the conversation:
Hey,how are you doing?
Fyn which is fine
Can we chat?
K which is okay.
For everything,lying to you,talking the way i did to you…forgive me please.
Sawa meaning fine.
The cold treatment was beginning to irritate me. He didnt want to talk to me but i had to get it out of him so i became persistent. I think i got what i wanted because he ended up saying he cant love someone whom he now doesnt trust. You clearly know what that means but i refused to take it. It was not until he said the words,“All i want is for you to stay away from me,” that i got the message clearly and decided to give up.
If you are wise enough,you now know that i have been dumped. I dont know how to take it but one thing i really dont want is going back to the depression state. I really hate it. I cant pull myself down because of a heartbreak but the truth is it hurts.
I couldnt believe he was the man who promised me love,made me believe that he couldnt live without me,made plans for the future with me. I now doubt if he truly loved me or was just using me. I dont want to corrode your minds but all I can say is men are liars who really dont know what love is. I am back to my old saying,“Men are beasts.” A saying I used to hold onto dearly before I met the guy who is now my ex,much as I hate to say it. My 2018 valentine present is a heartbreak,funny right? We all expect beautiful presents and perfect treatment but i think for me,fate had this in store for me.
Once again,I dont mean to corrrode your minds. Love is the best thing ever and being in love is one perfect thing that i respect. Just dont joke around with each other’s feelings. One more thing,never let a single mistake ruin a relationship. I wish you all a fabulous valentine day. Enjoy yourselves.